#144

I heard about the passing of The amazing Ivan Reitman and debated sharing the interesting and incredible things he brought into my life… and although I’ll be from here on out known as a criminal… I’ve decided it will be fun to share:

When I was 16, I was called in for a part in a movie Ivan was directing. It was a long shot. I remember driving onto the Universal backlot and telling them I was going to building 489. After checking my name and calling the office I was let in. The song “Give Me One Reason” by Tracy Chapman was playing as I pulled into the parking lot underneath his building. I sat nervously and let the song finish before I walked up the stairs. I mustered up all the confidence I could and walked in, immediately deflated to see every starlet I knew from tv and screen sitting in the lobby. My sister had helped me dress. I was wearing bell bottom leggings that laced up the front and a shiny silver blouse tied up over my belly button and black motoycle boots. I walked in like I owned the place and pretended I dressed like this all the time. All the while chocking back the awkwardness trying to shoot out of every pore of my being- as the ‘famous girls’ had convos about cool things-to which I had no business being part of. I said to myself “just sit in the corner and be quiet. That’s what Daria does and she seems intimidating and mysterious”. (Daria was a cartoon character on MTV at the time) “you can cry at how out of place you are and how you shouldn’t have even come when you get home. Buck up buttercup. You’re here to play a badass, Harley motorcycle riding, hootchie. They don’t know who you are…you could have ridden here on a motorcycle and they wrote this character about you. I went in for a quick audition and walked out feeing like an idiot. To my surprise I got a callback!

On my return to Universal the song “Give Me One Reason” played as I pulled through the gates! How weird. I’ll take it as a sign. I’m supposed to be here. I AM a badass. There was an incredible motorcycle parked at the bottom of the stairs. I stopped to look at it. It was a chopper. The kind where you have to reach up to the handlebars. The kind that are parked outside of the “bars you shouldn’t go into” in all the movies. I was standing next to it when a few of ‘starlets’ walked by… they could have thought it was mine. I touched the helmet like I was putting it on the seat. They totally thought it was mine. “Get intimidated bitches. You’re reading for a role that is basically me in a nutshell” my body language yelled. Hahaha. I wasn’t the Haylie who was singing in the worship band at my little church in Burbank the night before-having never even held a boys hand, Haylie.

I walked into the lobby with my *totally pretend* confidence, sat back, like if you questioned me I might kill you… I’m the head of the Hells Angels daughter and my dad had threatened casting to see me. You better watch out. I went in for my audition with two people this time and had hyped myself into believing that I was so wild, that without thinking I threw my legs up and my motorcycle boots hit the desk. “You ready to read?” was the first thing I blurted out. Couldn’t mess up this aura of fake badass by small talking with the real Haylie. I read and was on my way. 

Next day I got a callback and back to Universal I went. “Give me One Reason” played on the radio as I rolled past security. “489” I yelled and they nodded. They knew me! I wasn’t even stopped! Tracy Chapman was basically telling me that this was my part. This was the meeting where I met Ivan. He was kind and I was there to read a scene where I have to tell someone off. He asked me to sit down and I told him that “I dont tell people off while sitting down. “. He said “so you’re not going to listen to the director… *crap* “nope!” I was already in too far- I just had to go with it. “how about read the scene with me since you seem to have an easy time being rude to me.” “Sounds perfect.” I told him off and left. I cried the second I hit the car.

Somehow by the time I got home there was a message on my answering machine to come back and read with the boy they had hired! No joke, the song “Give me One Reason” came on the radio as I drove in!!! This was my part y’all. I walked in and there were only two other way too hot girls, that I’d watched for years, in line in front of me. But they didn’t have the magic of Tracy Chapman behind them. I read last and he told me I got it right then and there!!! We sat and talked for what felt like hours. Ivan met the real me. Sheltered, Christian, Haylie who was such a goody two shoes nerd that she’d homeschooled her last two years of high school to avoid being around other kids and was in her 2nd year taking film classes at UCLA.

Upon finding this out, he told me that I could come on set and watch even when I wasn’t working! I came to read throughs and was told to stay after to hear the writers and him tweak the script as a fly on the wall. He was gentle yet held the space with power. He was easy going and the farthest from intimidating. He told me to always get to know the crew and I got to sit in with lighting some days, sound others, props. He plopped my chair up next to the camera to watch that team flow while somehow keeping a crazy unscripted flailing Robin Williams in frame. This was better than any film school I could have EVER been a part of. Short but magical.

He involved some nobody teenager in some of his day to days to be a mentor when he clearly had bigger things to fill his time with. We were never buddies by any means. He was just this inspiring figure I looked up to, who happened to give me a chance and at the same time give me an unforgettable glimpse into what my dream career was. My last time hearing from him was after the premiere when he sent me a letter of recommendation for my future endevours! What a way to end a mentorship I had never in my wildest dreams even wished for. 

What he didn’t know was that during this whole, driving on the lot constantly deal, he had given me cred with security! I didn’t let that go! When one of my best friends Scott Budnick moved in across the street from Univeral and asked me to be his roommate I jumped at the opportunity. I’d drive on that lot every night and yell “489” as I drove through the gates. Sometimes not even opening up the window. Just waiving as I drove through the employee lane. I’d park and walk into whatever set had a dinner being served. Yes you guys- I ate free catered set dinners every night and basically stole food from who knows how many production companies! Hahaha. No one would have dared asked who I was because for all they knew I was Speilbergs kid and questioning me could get them fired. 

There are bungalows all through Universal that are used for temp offices while movies and shows film. A lot of the time they are empty. I took up shop in one of them and would bring my computer and write! All the phones were working and had their numbers printed underneath the receiver. Everyone knew that the 818-954-xxxx came from universal or WB. I’d give that out as my number and take calls there answering with “Hello you’ve reached Loose Screw Productions” which I had named my so called ‘production company’. 😂 I wrote so much crap that year.

So inadvertently, Ivan opened up this incredible dream world and gave me creative writing space and freedom to dream and pretend. I had so much time walking by myself through that backlot and all the sets in some of my most integral years. I found myself and got to figure out who I was behind those prestigious desks. And it was all because he gave some random nobody a chance. I never got to tell him thank you for all this because… well… it was illegal and I clearly could have been arrested for the amount of food consumption that I never paid for. ***Believe me Universal*** If you’re looking to retroactively sue me for the thousands I ate on your dime, know this: I’ve paid back that and more to feed my 5 children in your theme park on overpriced junk food over the years😂. 

Memories. Exciting, dreamer, Illegal, exhilarating memories. Thank you Ivan for showing me that life can be whatever you go out and go for. Sorry for using your prestige to run an illegal office. That teenager sure did love and appreciate you!! I probably am who I am today in part because of those crazy years I lived across from 489. Rest In Peace Ivan. You will be remembered through you’re awesome films. You left such a legacy and a wonderful son and daughter who are both following in your footsteps. Jason and Catherine- we met a few times on set. Thank you for sharing your dad and his talent with the world. I was one of the many blessed by his kindness. 

#143

I’m so proud of my twingers! They both did their first solos on stage! They overcame crazy stage fright and I think they did an awesome job:) Please go to our youtube page and subscribe to our channel!

Raimy sang Hallelujah

Saylor sang Can’t Help Falling in Love

#142

Since I’ve been known to brighten one’s day from sharing stories of how I’m a complete moron… here’s an oldie but goodie:

When I was in Vail on tour with Jonny (maybe 19 years old) I went into a high end gift store.  I am a candle and product junkie and can spend hours sniffing away in a store.  I love for my space to smell nice and finding the perfect smell for my atmosphere can change my whole mood.  I sniffed forever and found a brand that smelled delicious!  Good enough to eat.  I started loading up on all their different products and took my giant basket to the counter.  The sales guy said “Wow, you like this stuff!”.  “Yeah I’m obsessed!  I’m going to collect the whole line and use it daily.” I declared with excitement!  I mean, I had just discovered the greatest new brand!  “Do you live here or do you want me to ship it?”  “Well, I’d like to keep some items with me so I can start using them immediately and I’ll ship the rest to my parents house.  I bought some duplicates for my mom.  My dad will love it too.”  I went on with my day smelling sweet as a cupcake…
I took it back to the chalet the band was staying at and immediately lit one of the candles.  I left the products out because I was trying a lotion on…  Everyone started laughing…. uh what the heck?

“Where did you get this stuff?!”

“At the store.”

“What kind of store?”

“The gift store.”

Well, to make a long story short I had bought the whole line of KamaSutra products.  I didn’t know then that these were sex products!  I’d never even heard of Kama Sutra before!
I told the guy that I was sending some to my mother to ‘use’ and that my dad would love them too!!!!  I told him I needed to keep a few bottles with me to use that day!!  HAHAHAHA  So embarrassing.

There you go…You’re welcome.

#141

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So today, this #winner realized there’s a ‘message request’ button. I clicked it last night and have been reading years of messages ever since. I’ve literally cried. Seriously guys-such encouraging messages. THANK YOU THANK YOU😍😘I noticed many of you asked why I never post pics of myself. One message specifically requested I “post more of (my) perfect glamorous life”. So I thought…you want a glimpse into this sexy life, here you go! I am currently drowning in an endless pile of laundry from way too much traveling/too tired/lazy. #excuses. I’m still not dressed and most likely won’t be the entire day… why add to the dirty pile?! I somehow managed to put some makeup on, for no reason at all, since my children are sick and we won’t be leaving the house. And now that my sis is engaged, there is an imminent wedding looming. Meaning- I’ll have to put on a bridesmaid dress and walk in front of a crowd next to her hot friends. So my weigh loss attempt THIS week is #dailyharvest. Ok-I’ve literally had a baby projectile vomit into my mouth once and it was better than this chia parfait I’m currently gagging down. It was expensive and I’m cheap, so I WILL finish it! #notsponsored #yourewelcomeforthemoneysavingtip -So my loves, I HAVE A REQUEST FOR ANYONE WHO CARES-I’m going to actually sit and work on this old blog of mine. These sweet messages have me revved up and inspired to get back at it! Since y’all are the ones reading it- what do you want to know? You got questions for me?#currentlyonthe5thload and #notadentmade #drowninginmess #overwhelmed #iknowiknow #youwishyouwereme #luxury #glamour #hottie #livingmybestlife #rolemodelmom #getyourlifetogether #celebritywifelife #organized #momsofinstagram #momlife #momblogger #savingtheworldhere #doingthelordswork #GOALS perhaps I’ll start this blog up right and post the picture taken immediately after THIS beauty. The moment I put up my leg and pointed my toe in an attempt to be sexy, I got a charlie horse. My beautiful daughter @saylorlang (who sadly was called into the laundry room to take this award winning photo) decided to keep taking pictures of me writhing in pain…#youwantedmoreme #carefulwhatyouwishfor

A post shared by Haylie Lang (@therantinghousewife) on

Hello my beauties! So, this is where I usually write an excuse on why I haven’t written in so long and I’m sure I could give you a list a mile long… but who really cares. It’s not like this is a paid job I’m failing to follow through with….aaaaannnddddd I’d probably be late even if it was! Anyways, life happens, we all got one, moving on. I’ll act like I wrote yesterday and that this is just a continuation. Because, like an old friend, my blog and I, we meet up and it’s like not a day has passed.

The picture beginning this post is from my Instagram. If you’re not following me there, please do so! I’m better at keeping life updated in those tiny little square pictures and short descriptions-although I’m aiming to get my main brain dump happening here once again. This picture was taken after reading a ton of accumulated unread messages. Obviously, if you read the caption you already know this. But I was sitting in my pile of waaaay backed up laundry, feeling COMPLETELY and utterly overwhelmed when I stumbled upon these messages . I was feeling crappy, unmotivated and basically frustrated at the conditions in which I had let my surroundings become. Which in my brain is a massive deal. My ‘space’ somehow mandates how I feel about life. If I’m in a clean room I’m killing life. If I’m in a cluttered mess I’m an utter failure and my world is falling apart. This is a funny thing, because I grew up with Betty Crocker Barbie for a mom. She has a gift for being the greatest hostess ever! Everything was always clean and tidy and our house always smelled of an awaiting delicious home cooked meal and baking pie. So my happiness was trained to be connected to a clean and amazing smelling environment. She did it with such ease!

The problem with this is that she didn’t ‘train’ us. Which all homeschool moms know is a MUST part of ‘life’ curriculum. I am a complete disorganized mess but my everything depends on cleanliness. This is a dichotomy for the ages. How to become ‘that mom’. I’m basically a frat boy trying my best to hack together life while at the same time keep 5 kids alive and fed. I’ve come a long way -but dang, it creeps up on you fast if you get lazy!

The timing of finding these letters was great…they really touched me. I was a mess, IN my mess, and all these kind words from strangers totally changed my mood. I sat in my pile reading for who knows how long (let’s be real…probably hiding there for some peace and quiet as well! You know life is rough when you find it relaxing to fold and sort!). In these messages there were a few common threads. One being- why don’t I post pictures of myself. The answer to that is: I am NOT a selfie gal AT ALL. I would be mortified to post a selfie…don’t know why….not downing people who do it….just me even thinking about doing a photo shoot with…me… is embarrassing. I’m usually the one behind the camera and I actually don’t like being in pictures. “You have beautiful children” “You are so blessed” “Your life is amazing” “I look up to you” <—(GULP)

Then one message in particular struck me. It was basically telling me that I had THE perfect life…I was living this person’s ultimate dream! I needed to post more of myself living this *perfect *glamorous* life. The thought crossed my mind “Man, wouldn’t it be great for her to see me now!” Screw it, I’m going to DM this person a picture of me in my perfect life!!! Laughing my butt off, I yelled for my 11 year old daughter, Saylor. After climbing the mountain of clothes she finally reached me. I read her the message and she looked at me, scanned the room and slowly, trying not to, started to crack up. I told her of my idea and because I’m insane most of the time, my poor child didn’t even flinch. As she took this picture I said out loud “I am a glamorous woman” in my old movie star voice! Immediately following the first photo I got a charlie horse from having my leg up and toe pointed. Apparently the way too long 20 seconds pose was a bit too strenuous for me. She continued to take pictures. Thank you my sweet child, I deserved that and will continue to deserve that!

I scanned through my feed at the many ‘perfect’ moms I follow and looked at them a little bit differently after what had just happened. I remembered many times that I had looked at pictures and thought “Wow, they’ve really got life together. How the heck do they all always look so good?” Then I realized a reason I don’t post pictures of myself is because I’m not ‘that’. I don’t blow out my hair and do a full face of make-up everyday. My kids aren’t perfectly dressed and I’m not balancing on spike heels while holding my baby. Are they actually like that on a daily basis? Do those kids have a mom who is actually that patient to let them do messy crafts on their suede sofa?!!

I kept scanning and realized Instagram is like a magazine! Methodically chosen, perfectly filtered pictures. I get it…It’s not bad….I do it too…I mean what idiot is going to post something NOT great for people to see? Uh….hmmmmm….perhaps I’ll be that idiot! My DM suddenly and without much thought turned into a post and off I went. My family and friends get crap like this texted to them on a daily basis and THEY think it’s hilarious. So maybe some mom will see this and find humor in it! Back to my laundry-which I finished the next day btw after continuously running those poor overworked machines 24/7. I recently figured out a follow up system…yes ME…an actual Haylie made system…which requires these littles of mine to put their own clothes away! The last one to get this daily chore done ALSO has to hang Tevi’s clothes. Where has this help been all my life? Oh, right in front of me you say? People contributing to this disaster are actually capable of helping in the process of getting it back to normal?? These are the kinds of things I’m oblivious to! I’m not a ‘natural’ folks.

I have a pretty small profile. At the time I had around 3500 followers. Within an hour I had WAY more likes and comments than I’d ever received. My phone was BLOWING up. My profile grew a ton from that one idiotic post! What the heck? I felt so amazing bringing failure to Instagram! Then the messages… apparently I’m not alone in the overwhelm of momhood. Many of you came along side me- it’s been beautiful. It was a giant hug huddle with strangers over the internet!

I won’t give too many details for her privacy but a new mom with postpartum depression wrote that she was in an extremely dark mindset when she happened upon my post. She said she was overwhelmed with the thought that she would never get this mom thing down. She basically felt horrible she wasn’t immediately transformed into supermom. She truly believed, by how people portray their lives, that this transition should be an easy one. HELLO!!! Maybe I’m in a low percentage of woman but this was NOT the truth for me. I have a feeling from the response from this simple post that I’m not the only one!

Guys, we are all just human beings! Some of us might have more of our crap together but, we all have moments feeling helpless, lost, heartbroken, empty. It might be for a second, it might even be for years. But I’m just here to remind you that no matter where you are…even if you feel you are in the furthest depths, there’s someone looking up to you. Take a second…Someone might be blessed by seeing the failure in you today!

Which brings me to a challenge. (Competitive me has to throw down a challenge. I’m a born gamer in all ways and if you tempt me with a good time I will throw down, leaving all at my feet, bloody and begging for life….Sorry I get sidetracked.) I’m making a new hashtag my peeps. #Blessingyouwithmyfailure. Rules are this: You don’t have to be a mom- you just gotta be human! Is that you? I WANT YOU!!! Be brave and post a picture of yourself rocking it, in whatever your overwhelm is, getting sexy in the most shamefully messy area of your home, take this time to admit a weakness in a certain area and announce it in a frickin ballgown. Be creative and have fun! How do we step out of these parts of us and move forward if they’re hidden little weights? Set yourself free. Put your darkness in the light! You might be surprised at who is affected by your sincerity and openness! I know I was!

In this fake ‘reality’ world, lets bombard them with our beautiful weaknesses and failures! Cause you know what- it IS beautiful! It’s humanity! THIS is reality. THIS is what people feeling worthless while scrolling Instagram, feeling like they’ll never measure up, need to see! Don’t get me wrong… Life does have so many perfect moments but isn’t there always a mess to accompany these moments? That picture of your kid blowing out their candles is a sweet forever remembered moment of perfection. The moment the crowd leaves and the kids go to bed and the disaster this amazingly perfect day made…not perfection!

Even Martha Stewart is whisking her mess away to a back room while multiple people are scrubbing and cleaning. I long to be like my sweet, ex con, Martha. But, to be like Martha Stewart, you have to not only be like her but ALSO all of her staff as well, to pull off the same feats! (This last example just showed my age… who’s the Martha right now? Rachel, Ro, Pioneer Woman? Re-read with the person you want to be like. I think this statement is pretty universal to anyone you look up to as well… Cardi B…No?)

I’m going to feature a ‘beautiful in my disaster’ picture a month. A calendar of real people killing it in real life! Not a whole wall calendar people! Because- get real- I can barely get to a computer to post once a year much less print a calendar!! But I will feature you on my Instagram:) And once I have a full years worth, I’ll do a full post here:) #Blessingyouwithmyfailure. I’m excitedly anxious to see what disasters await!!!